UPDATE: I was chosen as the alternate for TEAM KRISTA! *squeals*
Eeep! After a near-death experience with my trusty Mac, I managed to secure a spot in The Writer’s Voice contest, hosted by Cupid of Cupid’s Literary Connection, Brenda of Brenda Drake Writes, Monica of Love YA, and Krista of Mother. Write. (Repeat.). Sooo thrilled! Without further ado, here’s my entry…
TITLE: CHRONICITY
ENTRY NUMBER: 101
GENRE: MG Fantasy
PLOT SUMMARY FROM QUERY:
Thirteen-year-old Grim Grinnert has no idea how he got stuck as an Apprentice in Chronicity, the Town of Time. All he knows is that he wants to go home, because there’s something wonky about this place where HoroHounds are used to search the centuries and a class assignment can send you to the Peloponnesian War. Even his mother’s stale-pizza-and-flat-soda suppers would be an improvement on the Count, who’s keeping him under lock and key, or his TimeWheel teacher, who’s trying to off him.
But the Watch, the robotic police force of Chronicity, has other plans for Grim. He’s missing the hourglass birthmark that’s supposed to brand everyone who enters Chronicity, and they’ve given Grim one month to convince them he’s not a Timbukker – an illegal. With the help of his two best friends and a 400-year-old girl he may or may not have a crush on, he sets out to determine how and why he stumbled into Chronicity. If he fails to prove his innocence before the Watch watch they’ve strapped to his arm hits zero, they’ll send him someplace horrible… like 1932. Forever.
Tick tock, says the clock. And in Chronicity, time is the one thing Grim doesn’t have.
CHRONICITY, a MG fantasy, is complete at 54,000 words.
FIRST 250:
Grim hated his name. It wasn’t short for Griffin, or Grissom, it was just Grim, and he’d never understood why his parents called him something that meant “extremely unpleasant”. Some kids at school, mostly girls, thought it sounded mature, but to him it just sounded depressing. Why couldn’t he have had some nice, normal, average name, one that didn’t make him stick out like a sore thumb?
But then, his parents never had been exactly average. And although the Grinnerts lived in an average town, on an average street, in an extremely average house, it only took one peek inside to see that they were anything but.
The front foyer was filled to overflowing with every sort of gadget, gizmo, and useless doodad imaginable. There were machines that paired socks and threw away the strays, prototypes of vehicles that ran on powdered Tang, and widgets that molded earwax into jewelry (this last had been a pretty profitable business until someone at Broadbend General Hospital got curious as to why all the patients had such impeccably clean ears, and discovered Grim’s dad posing as a nurse and Q-tipping everyone in sight).
Every room in the Grinnert house was as cluttered as the foyer, with one exception. Grim’s bedroom was as neat as the rest of the house was jumbled. Only two things proved that someone actually lived there: a coat rack that held one windbreaker and a tattered baseball cap, and a single homemade picture frame on the nightstand.
The opening sentences made me laugh. When reading your query, I was wondering who on earth would name their child Grim haha Best of luck in the contest!
Wow, sounds great!! Good luck!
Sounds like a fun story.
Stopping by to wish you luck in TWV. 🙂
❤ your opener! So funny and full of voice. Good luck!
Sounds like a great story! Good luck!
-Sarah #146
Sounds fun! I love the voice and the whole chrono concept. Good luck in the contest!
Funny first sentenes 🙂 Loved the end of your query “…like 1932. Forever.” So much voice and humor in that, I really loved it 🙂 Seems like an excellent MG, and the world seems exciting! Great job, and good luck!
sentences* I can’t type for my life today
Poor guy–Mr. “Extremely unpleasant!” Love this–so funny and clever. And nice to meet you!
Kristen #147 (one of the other MG’ers)
Love the concept! Your writing is humorous and engrossing. And a character named Grim who hates his name– that rocks!
#120 Laurie Muench
From one MG to another, love the premise. Nice tone to your query and great voice in the 250. Good luck in TWV!
-Paul #60
Love to see MG, as one MG writer to another! Good luck in the contest! -April, #61
Hi Lori, I’m visiting your blog from the Writer’s Voice Contest, and I wanted to wish you the best of luck! Nice to meet you.
I love the premise and the voice. Excellent job!! Good luck ;o)
Such a fun voice – I love it! Wishing you the best – #197
Great MG voice, Lori! 🙂 Good luck!
I. Love. This. I want to read it with my kids right now. Or without my kids! Earwax jewelry? HA! Good luck to you from #163!
Loved your excerpt. Good luck!
~Nicole, entry 68
This sounds like a really fun idea. Great humor. I wish you luck!
Krystalyn #87
This sounds so fresh and fun. I don’t have much occasion to read MG fiction, but I’d pick this up in a trice!
Lori, I don’t know if you heard, but I picked you as my alternate! You’ll receive all of the same coaching as the rest of Team Krista, and if one of our other team members has to bow out for some reason, you’ll be there to take that empty slot!
I love your concept and this highly detailed world you’ve built. Chronicity sounds like just the sort of place an MG reader could get lost in–but in a good way, of course, not like Grim:) Also, I think you’re a great wordsmith. Your writing has a wonderful pace and rhythm to it; it’s the sort of writing that begs to be read out loud.
I have a few small suggestions for the query, but my biggest concern is that the first page is kind of slow. Beyond the smoothness of the prose, I’m not finding a whole lot that I think will hook an agent, especially one who’s trying to plow through a bunch of queries at once and looking for any old reason to move on. I want to take a look at the first few pages and see if we can’t find a better starting point, get Grim to the action sooner. I want to FORCE those agents to keep reading, because if they don’t, they’ll be missing out on a great story:)
Happy to have you on Team Krista! Welcome to the group!
Loved your voice! Timbukkers! HA!
I’m hoping someone signs with an agent and drops out so you can be official! Great work!
-#122